Wednesday, August 05, 2009

I haven't quite figured out how to leave the house yet. In other words, it always feels a little weird to be a sane person who realizes that they're going crazy.

Dr. BTG was trying to be optimistic. "Don't worry." he said. "Come back in two weeks." Forums, after all, are filled with "I didn't see the HB at 6 weeks, but it was there at 8!" happy endings, but I'm guessing that in two weeks, I'm not going to need another sonogram to tell me what's happening because....well, it's me, isn't it?

There's some tightening. And cramping. And the nausea. (Did I mention that I feel atrociously ill?) But no blood. Really, body? You're REALLY going to drag this out?

But of course, it's the limbo that's the worst. Until I get the results of the blood test that should tell me conclusively what's going on, I'm just kind of waiting it out.

The Mr thinks we should give it a rest for a while. Get back on the happy pills for a while. Get back into exercise. Be able to enjoy our Prawn and the rest of the summer worry free. I think I may be inclined to agree. It's just trying to get past the worry of having all of the baby stuff taken care of by the time we leave these shores and suddenly find that anything medical shoots up in price by 300%. I worry about my age. I worry about the widening age gap between a second sibling and the Prawn. I worry about money. I worry about how many more miscarriages I can endure both physically and emotionally.

I've been thinking about my life at the moment like a patch of scorched earth. Every time green shoots of renewal start to poke through the surface, another fucking rain of fire just come out of the sky.

I'm just talking here, people, I don't know where I'm going with this.


Got a call from Dr. BTG saying all looked well with bloods. Slightly low on progesterone, but wants me to go back to shots.

So, still have no idea. Still waiting for answers.


Aunt Becky said...

I'm sorry, RM. Limbo is the worst.

lisalou said...

I am keeping everything crossed for you but if it all goes pear shaped I vote for Gin!

rockmama said...

I think I vote for Gin too.

Hopeful Mother said...

ARGH. Thinking of you while you manage the wait.

MsPrufrock said...

Shit. I'm sorry you have to be in this unfortunate place sweetie.

I'll keep you in my thoughts, as always.

P.S. In case it may make you laugh, my word verification is "sconey". Heh.

Thalia said...

yes, limbo is awful. I'm so sorry you're back here again. Yet more evidence that the powers that be have a sick sense of humour.