Sunday, May 27, 2007

Battle of the Bulge

I realized that there were some hard truths to be faced this week when I begged MR. DD to drag 3 heavy boxes of summer clothes down out of our stuffy attic so that I could stop sweating profusely in my winter long sleeves. (The fact that the weather has now turned slightly more “seasonal” is not lost on me)

When one blows up a balloon for the first time and then deflates it, one will notice that it is no longer the taut, rubber bit of merriment that it once was. It does, in fact, more resemble a deflated testicle than a previously entertaining bit of latex. So it goes when inflating a human belly. There are, shall we say, bits left over that made it well nigh impossible to fit into ANY of my previously worn summer clothing without said bits hanging unceremoniously out the bottom. There were very nearly tears. And so it came to pass that I ended up in our local shopping centre looking for something to clothe myself with that didn’t make me look like a whale that wandered up a shallow tributary.

I can’t say that fashion interests me. Fashion is for people with too much time and money on their hands. Fashion is for people who conveniently “forget” to wear underwear to nightclubs and then make damn sure they open their legs wider than the Grand Canyon while getting out of their car so that the assembled throng of camera jockeys can get their money shot that will inevitably make it onto the pages of tabloids everywhere, but that’s ok because AT LEAST PEOPLE ARE TALKING ABOUT ME. The only time that fashion interests me is when it precludes me from dressing myself in a flattering manner.

I’m in luck this summer, because the “thing” seems to be long shirts that cover a multitude of sins as well as reproductive detritus. Some of these “things” are very flattering- empire waist tank tops, etc. But, is it me, or do the vast majority of these “things” happen to be shapeless sacks that flatter NO ONE including the morbidly thin? How does something that makes someone like Kiera Knightly look like she’s been eating butter on EVERYTHING including breakfast cereal become popular? Something that looks bad on thin girls and fat girls alike shouldn’t be flying off the shelves. (And can we not even talk about the cropped 80’s “Desperately Seeking Susan” leggings that seem to be making a comeback? For anyone with calves of a circumference greater than coke can, these are a real no-no. Kiera Knightly, for example, or perhaps the Olsen twins, are the only people I’ve seen who make them work without looking like they belong on the US Olympic hurdling team.)

I managed to acquire a few items of clothing that I’m promising myself that I WON’T be wearing next summer; hopefully not even at the end of THIS summer. While I spent most of my pregnancy thanking the almighty that I wasn’t carrying through the heat of summer, I failed to realize that I would be giving birth too near to swimsuit season to have a chance in hell of not looking vast. While Hollywood people seem to emerge from the hospital wearing size 0 clothes, the majority of us do not. (I have a theory that no one in Hollywood actually gets pregnant. They pay surrogates and strap on a fake belly for 9 months. It’s the only real explaination.)

Size 0, however, is not my goal. I’d settle for a size 12 at the moment. Here’s to the hard work ahead.


MsPrufrock said...

Preaching to the choir sister. I have two pairs of trousers that I can fit into - one is a pair size ::ahem::, purchased when in the first trimester to accommodate my growing belly, and the second a pair of maternity jeans I could wear up until about 30 weeks. Tragic.

I'm off to go running now, as I can't stay this fat forever. Thanks to the sizing here being so effed up I feel even larger than I probably am. A UK 16 being a US 12? Pfft...

Anonymous said...

i prob would settle for a size 16 for the moment ha ha

alisa said...

You know, I thought the women in my family were nutso when they insisted I wear a "post partum support" aka a freaken spandex girdle. But I tell you, it's smashed everything down to me looking only 3 months pregnant instead of.. say, 7 months pregnant. And that I am terribly grateful for because now I can see enough of my own sexy parts to wax.
Also, the amazing miracle blanket was not that amazing.

lisalou said...

I say! Having a baby is the best excuse for a shopping spree I've ever heard! Go for it!

rockmama said...

pru- Yeah, the US/UK size thing has always been a bug bear for me when going home to spend vast amounts of money at Target. (It's lucky for me they don't exist over here.)

alisa- I have to admit I'd never thought of that, but thank you! I found a Medela post-partum support on ebay last night and it's on it's way to me now. Fitting into a few of the things that I own would be nice.

anon- Oh, a size 16 would be great, don't get me wrong. A size 12 is just my medium term goal. :)

lisalou- Already have. :)

alisa said...

The Medela one is the one I used also. I wore it for a week straight after the baby, now only at night. Shrank about 5 inches at least, all that's left now is the flub.
I will never roll my eyes at grandma again.