Monday, June 22, 2009

Familiar Territory

Been a while since I posted.

Have been a bit down recently about the whole miscarriage thing. I don't know if I didn't have time AT the time to process much or if I thought it shouldn't bug me because I already have a kid or what, but I'm finding it hard to look at pregnant bellies again.

It's hard, with secondary infertility, to feel that you have the right to complain at all. I mean, you already HAVE the one thing that so many other people would give their right arm for: a happy, healthy child. It feels GREEDY to be sad; to long for another baby.

While at home in the States recently, an old high school friend stopped by to visit. We got pregnant within a few weeks of each other. I knew it would be hard to see her, but didn't really feel like I was close enough with her to say, "Hey, you know you're awesome and all, but I think it might be a little difficult for me at the mo." So, along she came, big belly and all.

And it sucked. I hope it didn't come through in my demeanor exactly how much it sucked, but it did.

Some of our best friends Blighty-side are also expecting again; after a long battle to conceive, I might add. (She suffers from PCOS) I know we need to get together with them, but at the moment, I don't know how to get through the evening.

I need permission to feel sad. From someone. Anyone.

10 comments:

Thalia said...

you clearly have permission from all of us. It's hard for others to understand how much this hurt, but it really really does, so please don't feel bad about this.

Sorry you're having a crap time.

Aunt Becky said...

You're allowed to grieve. I'm so sorry it hurts so much. It's just awful.

Anonymous said...

you have permission, i just experienced my 2nd miscarriage, and find it hard to look at pregnant people all the time. and they seem to be everywhere at the moment.

abcgirl said...

you even have my permission. infertility--secondary or primary--sucks no matter what.

lisalou said...

feel sad. really sad. and eat chocolate. i was secretly jealous and sad about most of my friends and their families when i was ttc.
love to you.
lisalou

Sarah P. said...

A child is still what you want. Yes, you have one, and I don't think anyone who reads this blog can deny that you are over-the-moon grateful for her and for your chance to be a mother.

That doesn't change the fact that you want to add (at least; I don't know how many children you would have in an ideal world) one more, nor does it make you selfish or ungrateful. Your dreams are your dreams, your wishes are your own.
Don't let anyone make you feel badly about that, ever, for any reason.

Your dreams aren't coming true at the moment, and you have the right to feel however you want to about that.

Great good luck on your journey; I will be reading along.

Kimberlie said...

I don't know that I can add much to what has previously been said. Just that I agree that you definitely should not feel bad about feeling bad. Hope life starts looking brighter soon!

Brandy said...

There is NOTHING wrong with mourning your loss. You have every right to be sad. My SIL had a miscarriage between her two children and at first did the same thing by beating herself up. Of course she was thankful for her son but she was still sad for the one she lost. Take all the time you need to grieve and know that you are not alone.

noela said...

You have every right to grieve and feel sad for what might have been.

(((hugs)))

Nilla

http://noela.typepad.com/a_brighter_discontent/

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