Adrift

I've found myself kind of mentally twidding my thumbs lately.

I have a lot of interests. I make silver jewelry, read a lot, listen to music, go snowboarding...but I've been reluctant to make any long term plans. It feels like everything is on hold until I manage to get my uterus to do what it's supposed to.

I don't like this feeling, because it obviously means that I'm wasting time. It's just kind of felt like there's nothing more I can do, nothing more I can get involved with until I become a mother. Stupid, really, cause it's not like I'll have much time to do anything else but BE a mother afterwards.

I don't know if this is something I've DECIDED or something that's sprung from a general feeling of life-standing-still-ness; something caused by our living situation being up in the air and the future being something that gets talked about often, but little evidence of it surfacing. Family crisis have obviously played a role; my mother-in-law's mystery illness has necessitated ALL of us to put our lives on hold until we know what needs to be done. I don't resent this, of course; you've got to do what you've got to do. But it's like proceeding, X-Files stylie, into a scary, dark room with only a high powered flashlight. Only, I don't get the luxury of a gun.

Just a bit of Monday morning malaise, most likely.

Mr. Devil Duck and I have had several encounters with Leila Mai this weekend. Newborn babies all kind of have this Yoda thing going on, (My mother told me I looked like a prize fighter until I was about a month old) so, you know, beautiful in spirit and newness, but physically kind of more like ET than angels. That said, the teeniness of her fingers and toes are just pretty damned precious.