Gas Clouds in the Sky

This is totally and utterly off topic, but as probably a lot of you became aware yesterday when co-workers began mailing this story to you, a plane was forced to make an emergency landing in Nashville because someone farted. As a person who's own gaseous output has gotten somewhat more prolific of late, this was interesting to me.

It was not merely the occurrence of said flatulence that grounded the airliner. If this was the case, planes would never be able to take off due to the volume of compressed and expelled gasses contained within the intestines of passengers. (Anyone who's ever had a long haul flight with an air bubble that constantly keeping bubbling away in your gut will know the temptation to asphyxiate everyone in a 5 row radius in order to be rid of it.) The plane, was in fact forced to land because the woman who expelled said gasses was so embarrassed that she attempted to cover the fact by LIGHTING MATCHES.

Let’s skip over the part where we determine that this woman is obviously a brain donor. (lighting matches on an airplane. What a fucking brilliant idea, you vain asshat.) Anyone with a remotely functioning brain would have a) thought to spray what little perfume/deodorant you are allowed to bring in your carry-on- not exactly endearing you to other passengers, but if you simply can’t face the idea that your fellow travellers might discover that you have a digestive system, it’s an idea, or b) simply giving your seatmate a dirty look, making it obvious to all around you that they and not you are the culprit.

It does lead one to wonder why any sort of materials that can be used to start a fire are allowed on board aircraft anyhow. We’re required to leave nail files, tiny scissors and drinks behind, but hey, if you wanna spark up mid-flight, you’re in luck. THEY ALLOW MATCHES, BUT NOT WATER. HOW IN THE HELL DOES THAT MAKE ANY SENSE WHATSOEVER?

Just for amusement…my mother once got caught in airport security with a 9 inch bread knife in her purse. She’d spent the previous evening preparing for every security eventuality- slip on, slip off shoes, no scissors, needles, etc in her bag…but somehow missed the huge, offensive weapon in the front pocket that she’d used at school the day before to cut cake. The female security officer just looked at her.

“You can’t take this on the plane, ma’am.”

My mother stared open mouthed in horror. What she probably wanted to say was, “No shit.” What she ended up saying was;

“Um…yeah, you can keep that.”