Friday, July 27, 2007

A Sure Thing

It seems impossible that 4 months have elapsed since I got the warrant to evict the Prawn from her uterine squat.

I expected to want to record every second of her babyhood but I've found it doesn't necessarily make great reading. Days are fairly routine; eating, sleeping, smiling, laughing, puking. I often come to Blogger with a nonsense post and give up in favor of reading "Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See?" or "Aliens Love Underpants" to her.

Since I spend most of my afternoons with the Prawn just surfing around the internet, I usually try to have something vaguely intelligent on television to keep me company. (The Prawn doesn't watch, but she listens, so I have to make sure that what she's listening to doesn't suck.) The last few weeks, I've been going back though the third and fourth seasons of The West Wing, one of my favorite shows of all time. (And I'd just assume that if the Prawn has to listen to something, it's a script written by Aaron Sorkin.) At the end of the Fourth Season, Toby Zigler, the rather prickly White House Communications Director, and his ex wife have twins, conceived through IVF, on the same night that the President's daughter is taken hostage by Muslim extremists. In a rare moment of downtime, Toby gets to discuss the birth with Chief of Staff, Leo McGarry.

TOBY: I think I was nervous I wasn’t gonna love my kids… the way other fathers love theirs.

LEO: Why?

TOBY: I don’t know. If, for nine months, you’re hearing how this is gonna change your life, and: “You’ve never loved anything like this,” and, “My God, the love” and, “Nothing’s gonna be important anymore.” It just never really felt to me like I was someone who had the capacity for those feelings. Plus, you know, I… I like what’s important to me. I want it to stay important. I, uh…I wanna be able to do it well.

LEO: What do you mean, you don’t have the capacity?

TOBY: (pauses) Anyway, I was just curious.

LEO:Of course you’re gonna be a great father. Of course you’re gonna love your kids the way you’re supposed to, the way other fathers…

TOBY: My God, Leo, we look around, we see that’s not true. It’s not automatic.

LEO: I’m not talking about everybody. I’m talking about you and I’m telling ya, it’s a mortal lock. It’s guaranteed.

I'd been looking for just that sentiment before the Prawn was born. I was terrified that I wasn't going to get that "mommy" thing. That, even after all the heartbreak, I'd look at this pink blob and just go, "Okay."

The Prawn is looking at me right now, moving her mouth up and down and making noises that could best be described as a turtle chewing bubble gum.

It's a mortal lock.

10 comments:

alisa said...

Soooooo true. I was the least maternal animal in the world pre-Gwenny. In matter of fact, if I had been a hamster, I would have most likely eaten her. And to be honest, it took a couple hours to develop the "OMG this is the best little fleshblob ever feeling."
But now, man, she is the best thing I ever and I thank my husband frequently for his fastest swimmer.

SaraS-P said...

A mortal lock. I must remember that.

lisalou said...

Plus, she's a cute little turtle.

Eileen said...

nice blog. why don'y you try to earn money from your blog

Anonymous said...

Your baby is just soooo adorable. I throughly have been enjoying reading, thank you. Well, as it turns out, I myself am expecting ! As you call yours a prawn, I think mine is a tadpole - so here we embark on the journey to be a full blown frog swimmer - hee hee. I am elated, nervous, surprised, so much. I am 35 and this is my 3rd but it has been years since I carried the others to term. Well, I just wanted to say hi you have been such an inspiration to me.Heidi

Mr.Kim/Mick Bright Kim said...

Hi

katty said...

what a lovely post (and what great dialogue the west wing has!).

Anonymous said...

that is a good way to describe the noise a baby makes when trying to talk at a young age!

KitKat said...

Hi. Just wanted to tell you congrats on your beautiful baby girl! I am also a 30 something yr old mom to twins (boy and girl). Motherhood sure is challenging but I wouldn't trade it for the world. Can't wait to read more of your posts!

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