Infertility robs you of many of the joys of pregnancy. If you are, down to your chromosomes, a psychotic worrier like I am, infertility can literally send you over the edge, which is where I feel I'm hanging out at the moment, by my fingernails.
I got sick this weekend. Chills, headache, backache, stomachache. This morning, I woke up with THAT FEELING. You know which feeling I'm talking about. That feeling that something Isn't Right.
Those of you that read this blog know that I have had this feeling before. The breasts that aren't as firm suddenly. The belly that's not as round. The backache. Microscopic spots of blood. (Although, even through the raging crazies, I'm fairly sure that came from an overly enthusiastic internal scan on Friday as I haven't had any since.)
The very good result on Friday is really the only thing that I'm clinging to at the moment. An early morning call to the area midwife's office confirmed my suspicion that asking anyone for help would be a ridiculous and futile guesture.
"You just....don't feel pregnant?" said the midwife.
"Yeah." I said, trying not to cry.
I could hear the cogs turning in her head. Yet another crazy pregnant woman, she was thinking. How many of THESE calls have I had?
"I'm afraid there's nothing I can do, dear. You'll have to wait until your midwife appointment tomorrow. Just try to calm down."
Excellent advice. I'd never have thought of that on my own.
Update:
Mr. DD, being the husband supreme that he is, drove 40 minutes to a mail order place and bought a doppler.
Dopplers are tricky. At 12 weeks, they really only just expect to be able to find the heartbeat on a doppler, so I had to try to prepare myself to not have a heart attack if we COULDN'T find it. On the first try, all we could find was MY heartbeat via the placenta.
"That's me." I said, "it's too slow."
However, on the second try, with just a minute movement of the wand, we found what we were looking for. 150 beats per minute. I started laughing and we lost it, but we found it again, no mistaking what it was.
Heart attack averted. Perhaps this little beauty will keep me from being a basket case for the next 6 months.
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11 comments:
Rockmama - let us know how it goes tomorrow. I hope things are ok in there.
You should have just relaxed rather than purchase a doppler. Relaxing does wonders, blah blah blah.
I was back and forth on the doppler issue, knowing that I would freak out if I couldn't find the heartbeat right away. I surprised myself though and was very rational each time I used it.
I'm glad the doppler brought you some peace.
Now that is a good husband!
So sorry to hear that you were sick. I can't even imagine what that does to the psyche of someone who's gone through IF. Sure, maybe you did need to wait until the morning and just go to the appointment, but couldn't the midwife show some compassion? Surely she knows patients who have gone through this before . . . .
I've found remarkably little compassion in the National Health Service. Both of my miscarriages were "handled" by people who were just like, "oh it's common" and offered no sympathy or support. I've received 100 times more support from you ladies than I've EVER had from anyone caring for me here in the NHS! But you know what they say about peanuts and monkeys....
(not to insinuate that everyone that works for the NHS is a primate or anything, but I haven't encountered anyone yet to prove me wrong!)
I'm so glad you got the doppler and that you were able to find the heartbeat again! That is awesome. Sucks about your midwife though...she should be experienced in these matters, and be able to offer more than "JUST RELAX"!!!!! ARgh!
I know I feel the same about dopplers, but if I ever have a pregnancy that makes it to the end of the first trimester, I will definitely be getting one. (Even though my uterus is tilted, so I know that will make finding the heartbeat that much harder)
Anyway, I hope your next appt goes well!!
All the best,
Nilla
Your husband rocks! After reading yours and another blogger's tale of getting their own Doppler, I think I'll invest in one should I actually manage to get an embryo in my uterus.
I am sure the worries won't go away completely. Wishing the best for you and your pregnancy!
Dopplers are great. The lower range ones like we got (well, 70 pounds, anyhow) run on 2 AA batteries, so there's no risk to the fetus. It's a great way of defeating the madness!
I am so sorry for the horrid weekend. And I never got much sympathy from doctors re: miscarrying either--I got the same "relax, it's very common" bit. I don't know why the fact that something is common is supposed to make it ok.
Anyway, I am so glad you were able to find the heartbeat re: doppler. I hope that you are able to get a bit of peace now, having that machine nearby for reassurance.
What a lovely husband.
Good luck tomorrow.
Wondering how your appointment went? Hope things are okay with you!
Nilla
Your hubby is a keeper!
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