Monday, July 03, 2006

The Visitation

All of my visits to Dr. Bow-Tie Guy up until now have been leading up to or directly following surgery. This visit to his office was altogether different.

Dr. BTG greeted us with a rather strange left handed handshake, having the previous day crushed his fingers in a winch...on a yacht. Of COURSE it was on a yacht. No pedestrian slamming it in a car door or smacking it with a hammer for a man in private medicine. No, he had to get it caught in a yacht's anchor winch. No matter what the cause, though, a surgeon can't particularly afford to spend time with his digits wrapped in Band-Aids, so he looked vaguely pained throughout the proceedings.

As one might expect, I've had some fears that I REALLY needed allaying.

1) About 2 weeks ago, I was treated with anti-biotics for a kidney infection.

2) I've been having funny pseudo fainting spells- drops in blood pressure.

3) And holy cow, have I been having cravings for scrambled eggs. Are they going to poison me, cause rather a lot of internet websites are under the impression that they are?

His answers were quite to the point.

1) Not a problem.

2) Could be a good sign, a vague possibility that it's bad. Pregnancy plays all kinds of havoc with your blood pressure due to changes in progesterone. There's a small chance that it can also be an indicator of an ectopic pregnancy, the possibility of which, however small, I'm trying to prepare myself for. I've been having vague lower abdomen pain, but (welcome to the fun that is me) I also suffer from IBS, which pregnancy tends to make more acute.

"You're just one weird bag of goo," Mr. DD says to me, "there's no way of knowing WHAT'S normal with you. "

3) Eat eggs. Eat cheese. Eat whatever you like within reason as long as you cook the crap out of it first. "Life is for living," Dr. BTG said sagely, "don't let people scare the hell out of you."

We were also given some advice regarding the horizontal hucklebuckle.

"Semen," said the Good Doctor, "which is something that tends to jump out of boys when they get terribly excited, has a chemical in it that can cause contractions in the uterus. So while you're on holiday you should just say, "Hello Mr. Willy. May I entertain you this evening with Plan B?"

Mr. DD sat there, mouth slightly agape. I suppose that 35 plus years looking at fannies in all states of disrepair will do things to your sense of humor.

So there we have it. I came away with a blood test, 15 progesterone suppositories ("These can be administered vaginally or anally." said the woman at the pharmacy. "Well, not much of a contest there." I replied) and an appointment for a scan on the 19th of July, after Mr. DD and I return from our long weekend in Portugal.

Fingers crossed.

4 comments:

Thalia said...

Sounds like it's so far so good. Hoping that it continues that way.

Meg said...

Yes it does... Your doctor sounds like a classic, too. Have a lovely weekend away... and congratualtions to your friends. :)

Mollywogger said...

My jaw just dropped in amused shock at your doctor's dialogue between you and your husband's penis. Now there's a sentence you don't type every day.

Now go eat your eggs.

Kath said...

Your doctor is hilarious! That's the funniest thing ever!

I hope your dizzy spells abate soon -- that must be a frightening feeling.